This blog acts as a memorial to our little angel.
Justin Gabriel grew his wings on April 20, 2010 at 31 weeks gestation.
He will be forever remembered, and always loved.
If I had known that this would be the outcome, would I have chosen
not to feel this grief? Never.
I cherish his memory and the love I will forever hold in my heart.
Whenever I think of my son and I see his face in my other children, I think of his lost potential. Would he be sweet and sensitive like our eldest or funny and smart like our youngest? Our kids are our lives and the happiness and joy they gift us with every day is something that I feel strongly that we lost with our angel.
-Kenny Chesney
It ain't fair you died too young Like a story that had just begun The death tore the pages all away God knows how I miss you All the hell that I've been through Just knowing no one could take your place Sometimes I wonder who you'd be today
Sometimes I wonder and still try to make sense of it all. Most days I think of him with happiness and imagine him playing up in heaven feeling all the love that is being sent his way. Some days I can't help but burst into tears when I think of him and wish he was still with us.
-Kristin Chenoweth
Borrowed Angels, here in this life They come along, into this world, and make this world bright But they can't stay forever, cause they're heaven sent And sometimes heaven needs them back again.
I cannot believe that a year has passed since Justin's birth. It doesn't seem that long ago as the emotions of love and grief are still very close to our hearts. We decided to do a balloon release at our local park to commemorate his special day.
Video may not work on some browsers (particularly Firefox and Apple Mobile Safari). http://youtu.be/D1DXzOA9bVU
"We thought of you with love today
But, that is nothing new
We thought about you yesterday
And days before that too
We think of you in silence
We often speak your name
Now all we have are memories
And your picture in a frame
Your memory is our keepsake
With which we'll never part
God has you in his keeping
We have you in our hearts" -Author Unknown
Our love always,
Daddy, Mommy, Jordan & Alec
Songs: Glory Baby (Watermark), Who You'd Be Today (Kenny Chesney), Tears in Heaven (Eric Clapton), Somewhere Over the Rainbow (Israel Kamakawiwo'ole), Godspeed, Sweet Dreams (Dixie Chicks)
After experiencing the loss of our son, I found it difficult to wade through the sorrow back into every day life. My son's smiles and laughter, the love our family felt towards each other, were beacons of strength that guided me through it all. I feel proud to say that our little angel brought our family even closer together. I cannot help but feel overwhelming love and thankfulness with each hug, kiss, and shared experience during the past year.
At Christmas, I purchased a Precious Moments figurine of a little boy laying on a cloud to rest on top of Justin Gabriel's urn as a symbol of his peaceful slumber. Daddy never forgets to say hello, goodbye (when he goes to work) and goodnight (when we go to sleep) along with keeping his little light on. Although, I could have never thought Justin Gabriel would be in our lives in this way, he will always be a part of us.
After his birth, there were a few doctor's notes:
1) part of the placenta looked a little light colored and it was sent to a laboratory for further testing which came back normal
2) amniotic fluid looked clear and healthy
3) the umbilical cord was longer than average
4) his cord was not around his neck and did not look unusual
Otherwise we had already undergone extensive anatomy ultrasounds during our prenatal care, he was perfectly healthy and the doctors could not determine what caused his death. I didn't have the heart to ask for an autopsy. Especially, since they said, often, they will still be unable to determine cause of death after an autopsy is performed. I didn't want his little body touched in that way. We will never know why he left us so soon.
-Natalie Grant This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was that when everything fell
We'd be held
I spent the first couple weeks recovering, still feeling shock, along with the sadness. I was so thankful that I was able to have six weeks of postpartum disability to recover not just physically, but mentally. No one can describe the devastation of feeling your empty stomach, or the pain of your milk coming in without a baby to feed.I had an unreasonable urge to be pregnant again immediately. Strong feelings of anger and guilt continued to tag along with the sorrow. Anger at the mother's who are given the gift of a child and disregard it. Guilt that there has to have been something that I did wrong. Anger at the unfairness of it all. I tried not to deny any of these feelings but, I also tried not to dwell on them.
When I gathered enough courage, I started slowly looking at the images we took of our little angel. I first opened the folder and looked at the small thumbnails, next were the larger thumbnails until I was finally able too look at the full images without feeling overwhelmed. I found a new purpose in making him a baby memory book with the songs and poems that I found scrounging through the stillbirth and loss blogs and online support groups. While I was making Justin's book, I cried a lot, I was mad a lot, and I asked why a lot. I thought of what I could have possibly done in my life to deserve this. I just wanted my baby back and kept repeating
it out loud over and over.
Returning to work had its ups and downs. Thankfully, I had friends who had informed most everyone what had occurred and I rarely saw anyone outside of our close circle. I appreciated the condolences that were given. It was so odd to continue as I left off. I felt like there should be a big difference when I returned but, it was back to the daily grind that I had known the past five years. I felt like I was a different person inside doing the same old things. A few weeks later I started moving out of my little corner. There were a few people who asked how the baby was (they thought I had been on maternity leave) and their discomfort was blindingly apparent as they rushed to say sorry and change the subject. It was at this point that I would have loved to talk about our son but, there was
really no one to talk to.
Please Be Gentle
By Jill B. Englar
Please be gentle with me for I am grieving.
The sea I swim in is a lonely one
and the shore seems miles away.
Waves of despair numb my soul
as I struggle through each day.
My heart is heavy with sorrow.
I want to shout and scream
and repeatedly ask 'why?'
At times, my grief overwhelms me
and I weep bitterly,
so great is my loss.
Please don’t turn away
or tell me to move on with my life.
I must embrace my pain
before I can begin to heal.
Companion me through tears
and sit with me in loving silence.
Honor where I am in my journey,
not where you think I should be.
Listen patiently to my story,
I may need to tell it over and over again.
It’s how I begin to grasp the enormity of my loss.
Nurture me through the weeks and months ahead.
Forgive me when I seem distant and inconsolable.
A small flame still burns within my heart,
and shared memories may trigger
both laughter and tears.
I need your support and understanding.
There is no right or wrong way to grieve.
I must find my own path.Please, will you walk beside me?
