Precious, Tiny, Sweet One

Precious, tiny, sweet little one
You will always be to me
So perfect, pure and innocent
Just as you were meant to be.
We dreamed of you and of your life
And all that it would be
We waited and longed for you to come
And join our family.
We never had a chance to play
To laugh, to rock, to wiggle
We long to hold you, touch you now
And listen to you giggle.
I will always be your mother
I will always be your dad
You will always be our child
The child that we had.
But now you're gone but yet you're here
We'll sense you everywhere
You are our sorrow and our joy
There's love in every tear.
Just know our love goes deep and strong
We'll forget you never
The child we had, but never had
And yet will have forever.

-Unknown Author

Justin Gabriel's First Angelversary

April 20, 2011

I cannot believe that a year has passed since Justin's birth.  It doesn't seem that long ago as the emotions of love and grief are still very close to our hearts.  We decided to do a balloon release at our local park to commemorate his special day. 

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http://youtu.be/D1DXzOA9bVU

"We thought of you with love today

But, that is nothing new

We thought about you yesterday

And days before that too

We think of you in silence

We often speak your name

Now all we have are memories

And your picture in a frame

Your memory is our keepsake

With which we'll never part

God has you in his keeping

We have you in our hearts"
-Author Unknown

Our love always,

Daddy, Mommy, Jordan & Alec

Songs:  Glory Baby (Watermark), Who You'd Be Today (Kenny Chesney), Tears in Heaven (Eric Clapton), Somewhere Over the Rainbow (Israel Kamakawiwo'ole), Godspeed, Sweet Dreams (Dixie Chicks)

A Surreal Aftermath

The first few days, I spent in a surreal fog.  My husband and I clung to each other with tearful broken hearts.  I still could not fathom that we did not have our little son in our arms.  How could such a thing happen?  I had such multitude of emotions running rampant...

sorrow and sadness:   that we will never see our little one grow up, smell his sweet scent, hear his first word, guide him with his first steps

anger:  that with all the technological advances, the doctors appointments, vitamins, watching my diet, making sure I wasn't exposed to anything harmful, that we are rendered helpless during such a sudden loss

loneliness:  when looking at my empty arms

shame and guilt:  that I should have known something was wrong, that my body failed me in one of its most important functions of caring for our little baby who was dependent on me

shock and bewilderment:  when visiting the funeral home to make arrangements.  I would never have thought to know the cost of a cremation (a free service for all children 3 and under-how horrible a thought is that?).  Would never thought to have to choose an urn for my little one.

You Are Gone

I remember a time, not long ago
I found out a secret; you were starting to grow!
I had not expected to meet you this quick
How lucky I was! God made me your pick

You started to grow, and before I could see
You were perfect in form, deep inside of me
Your little heart beating, your fist in a ball
I see you in there! I see it all!
Oh such a joy, to carry my boy
My favorite new gift, better than any toy
You will be special, of this I am sure
I sense you are precious, I know you are pure

You're getting so big, it must soon be time
Everyone is anxious, but I don't mind
Its just you and me, It's just us for now
This time is precious, I sense it somehow
There's showers and presents and wishes of joy
There's so much excitement; my new baby boy!
Brown hair? Blue eyes? Oh what will it be?
We cannot imagine, we'll just have to wait and see
It's getting crowded, less and less space
My heart skips a beat as I picture your sweet face
Our time is coming to an end, you will leave me soon
I will miss having you near, your home in my womb

You are so quiet today, so silent and still
You must just be tired, you've had your fill
I sit and I listen, as patient as can be
Oh won't you wake up, and come play with me?
I drive in the rain, it's late in the night
I just want to check, to make sure you're alright
I know you'll be fine, you just have to be
Surely God knows that I need you here with me

She looks and she looks, but can't find a sound
Where is your heart beat? Why won't it pound?
"I'm so very sorry...is there anyone I can call?"
I can't hear a sound, not anything at all

They tell me you're gone, your beating heart still
I can't feel my body, I suddenly feel ill.
There must be some mistake; your due any day!
But before that day came, your little soul slipped away

The moment I saw you, my heart fell in two
I recognized those lips, those eyes- you
Ten little fingers and ten perfect toes
Why were you taken? Nobody knows

I hold you for hours, I kiss your sweet face
The pain is unbearable, its all I can taste
I look at your body, I pretend you're asleep
I want you forever, I want you to keep.
I inhale your fragrance, so pure and so sweet
I memorize your body, from head to your feet
I dont want to let go, I cant say goodbye
But you are not here, no matter how hard I try

I love you forever, I love you to no end
I love you for always, my sweet little friend
You'll live on for me, for the rest of my years
I'll hold you in my heart, I'll hold you in my tears.

You came to me for a reason, for a purpose of great worth
You're life was meant for more than just another poor stillbirth
You will not be forgotten, I'll keep you in my soul
And one fine day I'll see you again, and my heart once more will be whole

-Author Unknown

If Tears Could Build a Stairway

If tears could build a stairway
and memories a lane
I'd walk right up to heaven
and bring you home again


No Farewell words were spoken
No time to say good-bye
You were gone before we knew it
And only God knows why.


Our hearts still ache with sadness
And secret tears still flow
What it meant to lose you
No one can ever know.


But now I know you want us
To mourn for you no more
To remember all the happy times
Life still has much in store.


Since you'll never be forgotten
We pledge to you today
A hallowed place within our hearts
Is where you'll always stay.

-Unknown

A Million Tears

A Lifetime Wish If I could have a lifetime wish A dream that would come true. I'd pray to God with all my heart for yesterday and you. A thousand words can't bring you back. I know because I've tried. And neither will a million tears I know because I've cried. You left behind my broken heart. and happy memories too. I never wanted memories, I only wanted you. -Unknown

Letter To My Family

I do not have a face to see
or put inside a frame
I do not have soft cheeks to kiss
I don't yet have a name
You can't yet hold my tiny hands
Nor whisper in my ear
It's still too soon to sing a song
Or cuddle me so near
But all will change come June 26th
That's when they say I'm due
I'm your new son or daughter
I can't wait 'til I meet you
All I ask between now and then
Is your patience while I grow
I promise I'll be worth the wait
Because of all the love we'll know
So what I have to give you now
Is a wish to you from me
I cannot wait to be a part
Of this wonderful family

-Unknown