Angel By Your Side

An Angel Never Dies.

Don’t let them say I wasn’t born,

That something stopped my heart

I felt each tender squeeze you gave,

I’ve loved you from the start.

Although my body you can’t hold

It doesn’t mean I’m gone

This world was worthy, not of me

God chose that I move on.

I know the pain that drowns your soul,

What you are forced to face

You have my word, I’ll fill your arms,

Someday we will embrace.

You’ll hear that it was meant to be,

God doesn’t make mistakes

But that wont soften your worst blow,

Or make your heart not ache.

I’m watching over all you do,

Another child you’ll bear

Believe me when I say to you,

That I am always there.

There will come a time, I promise you,

When you will hold my hand,

Stroke my face and kiss my lips

And then you’ll understand.

Although I’ve never breathed your air,

Or gazed into your eyes

That doesn’t mean I never was,

An Angel never dies.

-Unknown Author

Angel By Your Side

by Francesca Battistelli

I can’t say that everything’s okay

‘Cause I can see the tears you’re crying

And I can’t promise to take the pain away

But you can know I won’t stop trying

[Chorus]

I’ll be the angel by your side

I will get you through the night

I’ll be the strength you can’t provide on your own

‘Cause when you’re down and out of time

And you think you’ve lost the fight

Let me be the angel

The angel by your side

I know it feels like you’re running out of faith

‘Cause it’s so hard to keep believing

But if I can bring a smile back to your face

If for a moment, you’ll forget all about it

[Chorus]

I’ll be the angel by your side

I will get you through the night

I’ll be the strength you can’t provide on your own

‘Cause when you’re down and out of time

And you think you’ve lost the fight

Let me be the angel

The angel by your side

‘Cause this won’t be the last time

You’ll need a little hope

But I want to be the first to let you know

[Chorus]

I’ll be the angel by your side

I will get you through the night

I’ll be the strength you can’t provide on your own

‘Cause when you’re down and out of time

And you think you’ve lost the fight

Let me be the angel

The angel by your side

That's What Faith Can Do

What Faith Can Do

by Kutlass

Everybody falls sometimes

Everybody falls sometimes

Gotta find the strength to rise

From the ashes and make a new beginning

Anyone can feel the ache

You think it’s more than you can take

But you're stronger, stronger than you know

Don’t you give up now

The sun will soon be shining

You gotta face the clouds

To find the silver lining

I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains

Hope that doesn’t ever end

Even when the sky is falling

I’ve seen miracles just happen

Silent prayers get answered

Broken hearts become brand new

That’s what faith can do

It doesn’t matter what you’ve heard

Impossible is not a word

It’s just a reason for someone not to try

Everybody’s scared to death

When they decide to take that step

Out on the water

It’ll be alright

Life is so much more

Than what your eyes are seeing

You will find your way

If you keep believing

I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains

Hope that doesn’t ever end

Even when the sky is falling

I’ve seen miracles just happen

Silent prayers get answered

Broken hearts become brand new

That’s what faith can do

Overcome the odds

You don't have a chance

(That’s what faith can do)

When the world says you can’t

It’ll tell you that you can!

I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains

Hope that doesn’t ever end

Even when the sky is falling

And I’ve seen miracles just happen

Silent prayers get answered

Broken hearts become brand new

That’s what faith can do

That's what faith can do!

Even if you fall sometimes

You will have the strength to rise

The Dance

-Garth Brooks

"Yes my life is better left to chance

I could've missed the pain

But, I would've had to miss the dance."

If I had known that this would be the outcome, would I have chosen
not to feel this grief?  Never. 
I cherish his memory and the love I will forever hold in my heart.

Who You'd Be Today

Whenever I think of my son and I see his face in my other children, I think of his lost potential. Would he be sweet and sensitive like our eldest or funny and smart like our youngest?  Our kids are our lives and the happiness and joy they gift us with every day is something that I feel strongly that we lost with our angel. 

-Kenny Chesney

It ain't fair you died too young
Like a story that had just begun
The death tore the pages all away
God knows how I miss you
All the hell that I've been through
Just knowing no one could take your place
Sometimes I wonder who you'd be today

Borrowed Angels

Sometimes I wonder and still try to make sense of it all.  Most days I think of him with happiness and imagine him playing up in heaven feeling all the love that is being sent his way.  Some days I can't help but burst into tears when I think of him and wish he was still with us.

-Kristin Chenoweth 


Borrowed Angels, here in this life
They come along, into this world, and make this world bright
But they can't stay forever, cause they're heaven sent
And sometimes heaven needs them back again.

Precious Moments

After experiencing the loss of our son, I found it difficult to wade through the sorrow back into every day life.  My son's smiles and laughter, the love our family felt towards each other, were beacons of strength that guided me through it all.  I feel proud to say that our little angel brought our family even closer together.  I cannot help but feel overwhelming love and thankfulness with each hug, kiss, and shared experience during the past year.
At Christmas, I purchased a Precious Moments figurine of a little boy laying on a cloud to rest on top of Justin Gabriel's urn as a symbol of his peaceful slumber.  Daddy never forgets to say hello, goodbye (when he goes to work) and goodnight (when we go to sleep) along with keeping his little light on.  Although, I could have never thought Justin Gabriel would be in our lives in this way, he will always be a part of us.

 

A wife who loses a husband is called a widow.

A husband who loses a wife is called a widower.

A child who loses a parent is called an orphan.

There is no word for a parent who loses a child.

That's how awful the loss is.

-Jay Neugeboren

(An Orphan's Tale)

Painful Postpartum

Held

-Natalie Grant
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was that when everything fell
We'd be held 

I spent the first couple weeks recovering, still feeling shock, along with the sadness.   I was so thankful that I was able to have six weeks of postpartum disability to recover not just physically, but mentally.  No one can describe the devastation of feeling your empty stomach, or the pain of your milk coming in without a baby to feed.  I had an unreasonable urge to be pregnant again immediately.  Strong feelings of anger and guilt continued to tag along with the sorrow.  Anger at the mother's who are given the gift of a child and disregard it.  Guilt that there has to have been something that I did wrong.  Anger at the unfairness of it all.  I tried not to deny any of these feelings but, I also tried not to dwell on them.

When I gathered enough courage, I started slowly looking at the images we took of our little angel.  I first opened the folder and looked at the small thumbnails, next were the larger thumbnails until I was finally able too look at the full images without feeling overwhelmed.  I found a new purpose in making him a baby memory book with the songs and poems that I found scrounging through the stillbirth and loss blogs and online support groups.  While I was making Justin's book, I cried a lot, I was mad a lot, and I asked why a lot.  I thought of what I could have possibly done in my life to deserve this. I just wanted my baby back and kept repeating
it out loud over and over.

Returning to work had its ups and downs.  Thankfully, I had friends who had informed most everyone what had occurred and I rarely saw anyone outside of our close circle.  I appreciated the condolences that were given.  It was so odd to continue as I left off.  I felt like there should be a big difference when I returned but, it was back to the daily grind that I had known the past five years.  I felt like I was a different person inside doing the same old things.  A few weeks later I started moving out of my little corner.  There were a few people who asked how the baby was (they thought I had been on maternity leave) and their discomfort was blindingly apparent as they rushed to say sorry and change the subject.  It was at this point that I would have loved to talk about our son but, there was
really no one to talk to.

Please Be Gentle
By Jill B. Englar

Please be gentle with me for I am grieving.
The sea I swim in is a lonely one
and the shore seems miles away.
Waves of despair numb my soul
as I struggle through each day.
My heart is heavy with sorrow.
I want to shout and scream
and repeatedly ask 'why?'
At times, my grief overwhelms me
and I weep bitterly,
so great is my loss.
Please don’t turn away
or tell me to move on with my life.
I must embrace my pain
before I can begin to heal.
Companion me through tears
and sit with me in loving silence.
Honor where I am in my journey,
not where you think I should be.
Listen patiently to my story,
I may need to tell it over and over again.
It’s how I begin to grasp the enormity of my loss.
Nurture me through the weeks and months ahead.
Forgive me when I seem distant and inconsolable.
A small flame still burns within my heart,
and shared memories may trigger
both laughter and tears.
I need your support and understanding.
There is no right or wrong way to grieve.
I must find my own path.Please, will you walk beside me?

A Visitor From Heaven

A visitor from Heaven

If only for a while

A gift of love to be returned

We think of you and smile

A visitor from Heaven

Accompanied by grace

Reminding of a better love

And of a better place

With aching hearts and empty arms

We send you with a name

It hurts so much to let you go

But we're so glad you came

We're so glad you came

A visitor from Heaven

If only for a day

We thank Him for the time He gave

And now it's time to say

We trust you to the Father's love

And to His tender care

Held in the everlasting arms

And we're so glad you're there

We're so glad you're there

With breaking hearts and open hands

We send you with a name

It hurts so much to let you go

But we're so glad you came

We're so glad you came

-Twila Paris

Still

-Gerrit Hofsink

I’ve been waiting for you

For such a long time

You’re always on my mind

And I’m lying awake

Most of the night

Waiting to hold you tight

Now that I do

And look at you

My heart is breaking

This can’t be true

Chorus:

Lost you before I found you

Gone before you came

But I love you just the same

Missed you before I met you

On earth we never can

But in heaven we’ll meet again

Close to my soul

Close to my heart

Right from the start

Lost in time

Lost in space

Can’t wait to see your face

Now that I do

And look at you

My heart is breaking

I know it’s true

Chorus:

Lost you . . .

Sometimes I find myself wondering what to do

With this pain that I’m going through

But I know one day, God will take me away

And I’m coming home to you

And when I do

And look at you

My heart is healing

I know it’s true

Lost you before I found you

Gone before you came

But I love you just the same

Missed you before I met you

On earth we never can

But in heaven we’ll meet again

One More Day

-Diamond Rio

Last night I had a crazy dream

A wish was granted just for me

It could be for anything

I didn't ask for money

Or a mansion in Malibu

I simply wished, for one more day with you

One more day

One more time

One more sunset, maybe I'd be satisfied

But then again

I know what it would do

Leave me wishing still, for one more day with you

First thing I'd do, is pray for time to crawl

Then I'd unplug the telephone

And keep the TV off

I'd hold you every second

Say a million I love you's

That's what I'd do, with one more day with you

One more day

One more time

One more sunset, maybe I'd be satisfied

But then again

I know what it would do

Leave me wishing still, for one more day with you

White Coats

We arrived at the hospital and hubby and sons went to the cafeteria while I headed straight to L&D.  A nurse sat me down one of the exam tables and took out a doppler.  At this point, I was hoping against hope that they would find his heartbeat.  As the minutes past without a sound,  I started silently crying, trying desperately not to fall apart, and she was very warm and affectionate when she said she would call in for an ultrasound.  I called my husband and said they couldn't find his heartbeat and I could just hear the devastation in his voice.  My husband and my sons came into my room crying.  The ultrasound machine came on and we saw for ourselves.  He was perfect, yet so still.  The doctor came in to make the diagnosis then, they all left us to grieve.  My husband was crying and throwing up as he called our family, my sons were bawling, and I felt like my heart was breaking.

Smallest Wingless

-Craig Cardiff

Close the curtains,
held each other, cried.
Said 'hello' at the same time
we said 'goodbye'


Smallest wingless, oh, you came to us
leaving as soon as you arrived
sadness is just love wasted
no heart to place it aside


We close the curtains
held each other, cried.
Said 'hello' at the same time
as we said goodbye.


We close the curtains
held on to one another
cried

They gave us a choice to be induced immediately or to come back at a later time.  I decided I was in no position to go into labor at that point so we told them we would be returning the next day.  Some friends and family were with us and I walked around our home in shock.  I felt like a robot as we ate lunch.  I was filled with such disbelief and immeasureable sadness.  I took some belly shots (taken by my son as my husband was in no position to do it at this point) and packed my bag.  I lay down in bed and caressed him through my belly and told him how much I loved him.

Sweet Dreams and Lullabyes

I'll Tuck You In

Little one,
it's time for bed
The sun is sleeping
The moon is high overhead


Let's pull up a blanket
to your chin
And I'll tuck you in


I'll tuck in your dreams
they'll all be sweet
I'll tuck in the secrets
that we keep


And all of the love
I have for you
I'll tuck that in too

-J Aaron Brown
-Tanya Goodman (vocals)

To Make You Feel My Love

24 weeks...

"I would hold you for a million years

There ain't nothin' that I wouldn't do

Walk to the ends of the earth for you

Make you happy, make your dreams come true

To make you feel my love"

-Brandy Moore

He is definitely a boy!