Love at First Sight

31 weeks...

After I was cleaned up, I said that we were ready.  He was brought in and I was amazed at how perfect he was.  I kissed his cold little nose, and smelled his sweet scent.  He had the cutest little red lips, 10 fingers, 10 toes.  I couldn't believe how big he was.  I was expecting that he would be much smaller.   

I held him and cried.  My husband patted him like he would pat our other sons when they were little.   He looked like a peacefully sleeping baby. 

I wanted to keep cuddling his little body to mine, forever.

We took some pictures and  videos, and my mom asked if he could be blessed.  My mom, mother in law, my husband, and myself spent a few hours with him.  My husband didn't want our sons to see their brother that way so they stayed with my brother at home.  I somewhat regret that they didn't get to meet their brother, especially since afterward, they mentioned they wished they could have met him.  It wasn't long enough, the time we had with him, but we said our goodbyes as his body was starting to change, even after placing him in the warm bassinet, and I wanted to remember him the way he was.

Later that afternoon, as hubby and I were sitting quietly, I suddenly felt a firm caress on my hip.  I looked over at my husband and noticed that he was sitting somewhat far from me.  I asked if he had touched me and he said no.  We later found that it was the time that the mortuary had picked him up from the nursery.  It makes me feel nice to think that he was giving me a reassuring caress.

I was initially horrified at the realization that I would have to deliver him.  I thought, why not have a c-section, and knock me out so that I don't have to go through the trauma of seeing our baby this way.  I am now so thankful that I have the memory of his precious little face, the weight of his body, and the sweetness of his skin as I kissed him.  April 20, 2011, is a day that I will remember for the rest of my life.

Labor of Love

We came into the hospital and they had prepared a room for me, far from the noises of the moms in labor, and the babies crying.  I really appreciated the hospital's sensitivity.  They even had a little leaf magnet at the door signaling that this would not be a joyous occasion.  We looked at the little bassinet, sadly and wondered why the warmer was on.  They gave me "cytotek"  to induce labor and they said I can have any and all drugs that I wanted, including an epidural when I needed it.  The cytotek was placed in my cervix at 6PM, and by midnight my uterus was contracting with no breaks!  It was very painful so I asked for some pain relief.  They gave me "dilaudil" which is a really strong narcotic.  I told them to give me only half the lowest dose as I am always sensitive to drugs, but I don't think they believed me and gave me the lowest dose.  I ended up shivering and having major anxiety, after which, I said no more of that for me.  They had checked my cervix and I was only a 2 by then.  I told them at 3AM, that I think I'm going to need an epidural soon, as the pain was becoming pretty intense.  They checked my cervix again, and I was about a 3 or 4.  They said to let them know as soon as I wanted it.  I didn't want to get it too early since I was afraid it would stop labor so, I gritted my teeth and waited awhile longer.  

At about 3:45AM, I couldn't stand it and asked that they call in the anesthesiologist as I was huffing and puffing and banging my tray table to distract myself.  Unfortunately, labor progressed extremely quickly from that point on.  I started more "hu hu shewwing" around 4AM and soon after, I felt the need to go!  It is so startling that the baby descending the birth canal feels like your having a BM!  I started screaming, as I huffed and puffed, that "he was coming out!"  The nurses were startled as they were just preparing for his birth and weren't quite ready.  My husband and I were horrified to see a big gush fly across the room and I was so horrified to think, "Is that the baby!?"  Thankfully, it was just amniotic fluid, my sac had just broken at that point.  Then the baby came out the next few seconds in a rush and plopped on the bed.  My husband broke down completely and kept telling me he's here and not to look and gave me a crushing embrace.  I wanted to look so badly but, I didn't have the strength to break his embrace.  Afterwards, I became afraid to look at him and the anesthesiologist (too late) and ob/gyn came in shortly after.  My placenta would not come out, and that was the most painful part of the whole labor process.  The nurses came and took him to give him a bath and take measurements while the ob/gyn worked on trying to get my placenta out so I wouldn't hemorrhage.  My husband collapsed on the sofa with his face covered. They were prepping me for surgery when the placenta was expelled.  It felt like forever.