Love at First Sight

31 weeks...

After I was cleaned up, I said that we were ready.  He was brought in and I was amazed at how perfect he was.  I kissed his cold little nose, and smelled his sweet scent.  He had the cutest little red lips, 10 fingers, 10 toes.  I couldn't believe how big he was.  I was expecting that he would be much smaller.   

I held him and cried.  My husband patted him like he would pat our other sons when they were little.   He looked like a peacefully sleeping baby. 

I wanted to keep cuddling his little body to mine, forever.

We took some pictures and  videos, and my mom asked if he could be blessed.  My mom, mother in law, my husband, and myself spent a few hours with him.  My husband didn't want our sons to see their brother that way so they stayed with my brother at home.  I somewhat regret that they didn't get to meet their brother, especially since afterward, they mentioned they wished they could have met him.  It wasn't long enough, the time we had with him, but we said our goodbyes as his body was starting to change, even after placing him in the warm bassinet, and I wanted to remember him the way he was.

Later that afternoon, as hubby and I were sitting quietly, I suddenly felt a firm caress on my hip.  I looked over at my husband and noticed that he was sitting somewhat far from me.  I asked if he had touched me and he said no.  We later found that it was the time that the mortuary had picked him up from the nursery.  It makes me feel nice to think that he was giving me a reassuring caress.

I was initially horrified at the realization that I would have to deliver him.  I thought, why not have a c-section, and knock me out so that I don't have to go through the trauma of seeing our baby this way.  I am now so thankful that I have the memory of his precious little face, the weight of his body, and the sweetness of his skin as I kissed him.  April 20, 2011, is a day that I will remember for the rest of my life.