White Coats

We arrived at the hospital and hubby and sons went to the cafeteria while I headed straight to L&D.  A nurse sat me down one of the exam tables and took out a doppler.  At this point, I was hoping against hope that they would find his heartbeat.  As the minutes past without a sound,  I started silently crying, trying desperately not to fall apart, and she was very warm and affectionate when she said she would call in for an ultrasound.  I called my husband and said they couldn't find his heartbeat and I could just hear the devastation in his voice.  My husband and my sons came into my room crying.  The ultrasound machine came on and we saw for ourselves.  He was perfect, yet so still.  The doctor came in to make the diagnosis then, they all left us to grieve.  My husband was crying and throwing up as he called our family, my sons were bawling, and I felt like my heart was breaking.

Smallest Wingless

-Craig Cardiff

Close the curtains,
held each other, cried.
Said 'hello' at the same time
we said 'goodbye'


Smallest wingless, oh, you came to us
leaving as soon as you arrived
sadness is just love wasted
no heart to place it aside


We close the curtains
held each other, cried.
Said 'hello' at the same time
as we said goodbye.


We close the curtains
held on to one another
cried

They gave us a choice to be induced immediately or to come back at a later time.  I decided I was in no position to go into labor at that point so we told them we would be returning the next day.  Some friends and family were with us and I walked around our home in shock.  I felt like a robot as we ate lunch.  I was filled with such disbelief and immeasureable sadness.  I took some belly shots (taken by my son as my husband was in no position to do it at this point) and packed my bag.  I lay down in bed and caressed him through my belly and told him how much I loved him.