The first few days, I spent in a surreal fog. My husband and I clung to each other with tearful broken hearts. I still could not fathom that we did not have our little son in our arms. How could such a thing happen? I had such multitude of emotions running rampant...
sorrow and sadness: that we will never see our little one grow up, smell his sweet scent, hear his first word, guide him with his first steps
anger: that with all the technological advances, the doctors appointments, vitamins, watching my diet, making sure I wasn't exposed to anything harmful, that we are rendered helpless during such a sudden loss
loneliness: when looking at my empty arms
shame and guilt: that I should have known something was wrong, that my body failed me in one of its most important functions of caring for our little baby who was dependent on me
shock and bewilderment: when visiting the funeral home to make arrangements. I would never have thought to know the cost of a cremation (a free service for all children 3 and under-how horrible a thought is that?). Would never thought to have to choose an urn for my little one.
I remember a time, not long ago
I found out a secret; you were starting to grow!
I had not expected to meet you this quick
How lucky I was! God made me your pick
You started to grow, and before I could see
You were perfect in form, deep inside of me
Your little heart beating, your fist in a ball
I see you in there! I see it all!
Oh such a joy, to carry my boy
My favorite new gift, better than any toy
You will be special, of this I am sure
I sense you are precious, I know you are pure
You're getting so big, it must soon be time
Everyone is anxious, but I don't mind
Its just you and me, It's just us for now
This time is precious, I sense it somehow
There's showers and presents and wishes of joy
There's so much excitement; my new baby boy!
Brown hair? Blue eyes? Oh what will it be?
We cannot imagine, we'll just have to wait and see
It's getting crowded, less and less space
My heart skips a beat as I picture your sweet face
Our time is coming to an end, you will leave me soon
I will miss having you near, your home in my womb
You are so quiet today, so silent and still
You must just be tired, you've had your fill
I sit and I listen, as patient as can be
Oh won't you wake up, and come play with me?
I drive in the rain, it's late in the night
I just want to check, to make sure you're alright
I know you'll be fine, you just have to be
Surely God knows that I need you here with me
She looks and she looks, but can't find a sound
Where is your heart beat? Why won't it pound?
"I'm so very sorry...is there anyone I can call?"
I can't hear a sound, not anything at all
They tell me you're gone, your beating heart still
I can't feel my body, I suddenly feel ill.
There must be some mistake; your due any day!
But before that day came, your little soul slipped away
The moment I saw you, my heart fell in two
I recognized those lips, those eyes- you
Ten little fingers and ten perfect toes
Why were you taken? Nobody knows
I hold you for hours, I kiss your sweet face
The pain is unbearable, its all I can taste
I look at your body, I pretend you're asleep
I want you forever, I want you to keep.
I inhale your fragrance, so pure and so sweet
I memorize your body, from head to your feet
I dont want to let go, I cant say goodbye
But you are not here, no matter how hard I try
I love you forever, I love you to no end
I love you for always, my sweet little friend
You'll live on for me, for the rest of my years
I'll hold you in my heart, I'll hold you in my tears.
You came to me for a reason, for a purpose of great worth
You're life was meant for more than just another poor stillbirth
You will not be forgotten, I'll keep you in my soul
And one fine day I'll see you again, and my heart once more will be whole
sorrow and sadness: that we will never see our little one grow up, smell his sweet scent, hear his first word, guide him with his first steps
anger: that with all the technological advances, the doctors appointments, vitamins, watching my diet, making sure I wasn't exposed to anything harmful, that we are rendered helpless during such a sudden loss
loneliness: when looking at my empty arms
shame and guilt: that I should have known something was wrong, that my body failed me in one of its most important functions of caring for our little baby who was dependent on me
shock and bewilderment: when visiting the funeral home to make arrangements. I would never have thought to know the cost of a cremation (a free service for all children 3 and under-how horrible a thought is that?). Would never thought to have to choose an urn for my little one.
You Are Gone
I found out a secret; you were starting to grow!
I had not expected to meet you this quick
How lucky I was! God made me your pick
You started to grow, and before I could see
You were perfect in form, deep inside of me
Your little heart beating, your fist in a ball
I see you in there! I see it all!
Oh such a joy, to carry my boy
My favorite new gift, better than any toy
You will be special, of this I am sure
I sense you are precious, I know you are pure
You're getting so big, it must soon be time
Everyone is anxious, but I don't mind
Its just you and me, It's just us for now
This time is precious, I sense it somehow
There's showers and presents and wishes of joy
There's so much excitement; my new baby boy!
Brown hair? Blue eyes? Oh what will it be?
We cannot imagine, we'll just have to wait and see
It's getting crowded, less and less space
My heart skips a beat as I picture your sweet face
Our time is coming to an end, you will leave me soon
I will miss having you near, your home in my womb
You are so quiet today, so silent and still
You must just be tired, you've had your fill
I sit and I listen, as patient as can be
Oh won't you wake up, and come play with me?
I drive in the rain, it's late in the night
I just want to check, to make sure you're alright
I know you'll be fine, you just have to be
Surely God knows that I need you here with me
She looks and she looks, but can't find a sound
Where is your heart beat? Why won't it pound?
"I'm so very sorry...is there anyone I can call?"
I can't hear a sound, not anything at all
They tell me you're gone, your beating heart still
I can't feel my body, I suddenly feel ill.
There must be some mistake; your due any day!
But before that day came, your little soul slipped away
The moment I saw you, my heart fell in two
I recognized those lips, those eyes- you
Ten little fingers and ten perfect toes
Why were you taken? Nobody knows
I hold you for hours, I kiss your sweet face
The pain is unbearable, its all I can taste
I look at your body, I pretend you're asleep
I want you forever, I want you to keep.
I inhale your fragrance, so pure and so sweet
I memorize your body, from head to your feet
I dont want to let go, I cant say goodbye
But you are not here, no matter how hard I try
I love you forever, I love you to no end
I love you for always, my sweet little friend
You'll live on for me, for the rest of my years
I'll hold you in my heart, I'll hold you in my tears.
You came to me for a reason, for a purpose of great worth
You're life was meant for more than just another poor stillbirth
You will not be forgotten, I'll keep you in my soul
And one fine day I'll see you again, and my heart once more will be whole
-Author Unknown
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