The Dance

-Garth Brooks

"Yes my life is better left to chance

I could've missed the pain

But, I would've had to miss the dance."

If I had known that this would be the outcome, would I have chosen
not to feel this grief?  Never. 
I cherish his memory and the love I will forever hold in my heart.

Who You'd Be Today

Whenever I think of my son and I see his face in my other children, I think of his lost potential. Would he be sweet and sensitive like our eldest or funny and smart like our youngest?  Our kids are our lives and the happiness and joy they gift us with every day is something that I feel strongly that we lost with our angel. 

-Kenny Chesney

It ain't fair you died too young
Like a story that had just begun
The death tore the pages all away
God knows how I miss you
All the hell that I've been through
Just knowing no one could take your place
Sometimes I wonder who you'd be today

Borrowed Angels

Sometimes I wonder and still try to make sense of it all.  Most days I think of him with happiness and imagine him playing up in heaven feeling all the love that is being sent his way.  Some days I can't help but burst into tears when I think of him and wish he was still with us.

-Kristin Chenoweth 


Borrowed Angels, here in this life
They come along, into this world, and make this world bright
But they can't stay forever, cause they're heaven sent
And sometimes heaven needs them back again.

Justin Gabriel's First Angelversary

April 20, 2011

I cannot believe that a year has passed since Justin's birth.  It doesn't seem that long ago as the emotions of love and grief are still very close to our hearts.  We decided to do a balloon release at our local park to commemorate his special day. 

Video may not work on some browsers (particularly Firefox and Apple Mobile Safari).
http://youtu.be/D1DXzOA9bVU

"We thought of you with love today

But, that is nothing new

We thought about you yesterday

And days before that too

We think of you in silence

We often speak your name

Now all we have are memories

And your picture in a frame

Your memory is our keepsake

With which we'll never part

God has you in his keeping

We have you in our hearts"
-Author Unknown

Our love always,

Daddy, Mommy, Jordan & Alec

Songs:  Glory Baby (Watermark), Who You'd Be Today (Kenny Chesney), Tears in Heaven (Eric Clapton), Somewhere Over the Rainbow (Israel Kamakawiwo'ole), Godspeed, Sweet Dreams (Dixie Chicks)

Precious Moments

After experiencing the loss of our son, I found it difficult to wade through the sorrow back into every day life.  My son's smiles and laughter, the love our family felt towards each other, were beacons of strength that guided me through it all.  I feel proud to say that our little angel brought our family even closer together.  I cannot help but feel overwhelming love and thankfulness with each hug, kiss, and shared experience during the past year.
At Christmas, I purchased a Precious Moments figurine of a little boy laying on a cloud to rest on top of Justin Gabriel's urn as a symbol of his peaceful slumber.  Daddy never forgets to say hello, goodbye (when he goes to work) and goodnight (when we go to sleep) along with keeping his little light on.  Although, I could have never thought Justin Gabriel would be in our lives in this way, he will always be a part of us.

 

A wife who loses a husband is called a widow.

A husband who loses a wife is called a widower.

A child who loses a parent is called an orphan.

There is no word for a parent who loses a child.

That's how awful the loss is.

-Jay Neugeboren

(An Orphan's Tale)

A Baby Story

June 26, 2010 would have been Justin Gabriel's due date... it was a heart wrenching day.

  Video may not work on some browsers (particularly Firefox and Apple Mobile Safari).

http://youtu.be/jjOdco59kq0

After his birth, there were a few doctor's notes:
1)  part of the placenta looked a little light colored and it was sent to a laboratory for further testing which came back normal
2)  amniotic fluid looked clear and healthy
3)  the umbilical cord was longer than average
4)  his cord was not around his neck and did not look unusual
Otherwise we had already undergone extensive anatomy ultrasounds during our prenatal care, he was perfectly healthy and the doctors could not determine what caused his death.  I didn't have the heart to ask for an autopsy.  Especially, since they said, often, they will still be unable to determine cause of death after an autopsy is performed.  I didn't want his little body touched in that way.  We will never know why he left us so soon.

Painful Postpartum

Held

-Natalie Grant
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was that when everything fell
We'd be held 

I spent the first couple weeks recovering, still feeling shock, along with the sadness.   I was so thankful that I was able to have six weeks of postpartum disability to recover not just physically, but mentally.  No one can describe the devastation of feeling your empty stomach, or the pain of your milk coming in without a baby to feed.  I had an unreasonable urge to be pregnant again immediately.  Strong feelings of anger and guilt continued to tag along with the sorrow.  Anger at the mother's who are given the gift of a child and disregard it.  Guilt that there has to have been something that I did wrong.  Anger at the unfairness of it all.  I tried not to deny any of these feelings but, I also tried not to dwell on them.

When I gathered enough courage, I started slowly looking at the images we took of our little angel.  I first opened the folder and looked at the small thumbnails, next were the larger thumbnails until I was finally able too look at the full images without feeling overwhelmed.  I found a new purpose in making him a baby memory book with the songs and poems that I found scrounging through the stillbirth and loss blogs and online support groups.  While I was making Justin's book, I cried a lot, I was mad a lot, and I asked why a lot.  I thought of what I could have possibly done in my life to deserve this. I just wanted my baby back and kept repeating
it out loud over and over.

Returning to work had its ups and downs.  Thankfully, I had friends who had informed most everyone what had occurred and I rarely saw anyone outside of our close circle.  I appreciated the condolences that were given.  It was so odd to continue as I left off.  I felt like there should be a big difference when I returned but, it was back to the daily grind that I had known the past five years.  I felt like I was a different person inside doing the same old things.  A few weeks later I started moving out of my little corner.  There were a few people who asked how the baby was (they thought I had been on maternity leave) and their discomfort was blindingly apparent as they rushed to say sorry and change the subject.  It was at this point that I would have loved to talk about our son but, there was
really no one to talk to.

Please Be Gentle
By Jill B. Englar

Please be gentle with me for I am grieving.
The sea I swim in is a lonely one
and the shore seems miles away.
Waves of despair numb my soul
as I struggle through each day.
My heart is heavy with sorrow.
I want to shout and scream
and repeatedly ask 'why?'
At times, my grief overwhelms me
and I weep bitterly,
so great is my loss.
Please don’t turn away
or tell me to move on with my life.
I must embrace my pain
before I can begin to heal.
Companion me through tears
and sit with me in loving silence.
Honor where I am in my journey,
not where you think I should be.
Listen patiently to my story,
I may need to tell it over and over again.
It’s how I begin to grasp the enormity of my loss.
Nurture me through the weeks and months ahead.
Forgive me when I seem distant and inconsolable.
A small flame still burns within my heart,
and shared memories may trigger
both laughter and tears.
I need your support and understanding.
There is no right or wrong way to grieve.
I must find my own path.Please, will you walk beside me?

Friends and Family

I Wish

1. I wish you would not be afraid to mention my baby. The truth is just because you never saw my baby doesn't mean he doesn't deserve your recognition.
2. I wish that if we did talk about my baby and I cried you didn't think it was because you have hurt me by mentioning my baby. The truth is I need to cry and talk about my baby with you.
3. I wish that you could talk about my baby more than once. The truth is if you do, it reassures me that you haven't forgotten him and that you do care and understand.
4. I wish you wouldn't think that I don't want to talk about my baby. The truth is I love my baby and need to talk about him.
5. I wish you could tell me you are sorry my baby died and that you are thinking of me. The truth is that it tells me you care.
6. I wish you wouldn't think what has happened is one big bad memory for me. The truth is the memory of my baby, the love I feel for my baby, the dreams I had and the memories I have created for my baby are all loving memories. Yes there are bad memories too but please understand that it's not all like that.
7. I wish you wouldn't pretend that my baby never existed. The truth is we both know I had a baby growing inside me.
8. I wish you wouldn't judge me because I am not acting the way you think I should be. The truth is grief is a very personal thing and we are all different people who deal with things differently.
9. I wish you wouldn't think if I have a good day I'm "over it" or if I have a bad day I am being unreasonable because you think I should be over it. The truth is there is no "normal" way for me to act.
10. I wish you wouldn't stay away from me. The truth is losing my baby doesn't mean I'm contagious. By staying away you make me feel isolated, confused and like it is my fault.
11. I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be "over and done with" in a few weeks, months, or years for that matter. The truth is it may get easier with time but I will never be "over" this.
12. I wish you wouldn't think that my baby wasnt't really a baby and he was just blood and tissue or a fetus. The truth is my baby had a life. My baby had a soul, heart, body, legs, arms and a face. I have seen my baby's body and face. My baby was real person - and he was alive.
13. My babies due date, Mothers Day, celebration times, the day my baby was born and the day I lost him are all important and sad days for me. The truth is I wish you could tell me by words or by letter you are thinking of me on these days.
14. I wish you understood that losing my baby has changed me. The truth is I am not the same person I was before and will never be that person again. If you keep waiting for me to get back to ""normal" you will stay frustrated. I am a new person with new thoughts, dreams, beliefs, and values. Please try to get to know the real me-maybe you'll still like me.
15. I wish you wouldn't tell me I could have another baby. The truth is I want the baby I lost and no other baby can replace him. Babies aren't interchangeable.
16. I wish you wouldn't feel awkward or uncomfortable talking about my baby or being near me. When you do, I can see it. The truth is it's not fair to make me feel uncomfortable just because you are.
17. I wish you wouldn't think that you'll keep away because all my friends and family will be there for me. The truth is, everyone thinks the same thing and I am often left with no one.
18. I wish you would understand that being around pregnant women is uncomfortable for me.
19. I wish you wouldn't say that it's natures way of telling me something was wrong with my baby. The truth is my baby was perfect no matter what you think nature is saying.
20. I wish you would understand what you are really saying when you say "next time things will be okay". The truth is how do you know? What will you say if it happens to me again?

-Author Unknown

A Surreal Aftermath

The first few days, I spent in a surreal fog.  My husband and I clung to each other with tearful broken hearts.  I still could not fathom that we did not have our little son in our arms.  How could such a thing happen?  I had such multitude of emotions running rampant...

sorrow and sadness:   that we will never see our little one grow up, smell his sweet scent, hear his first word, guide him with his first steps

anger:  that with all the technological advances, the doctors appointments, vitamins, watching my diet, making sure I wasn't exposed to anything harmful, that we are rendered helpless during such a sudden loss

loneliness:  when looking at my empty arms

shame and guilt:  that I should have known something was wrong, that my body failed me in one of its most important functions of caring for our little baby who was dependent on me

shock and bewilderment:  when visiting the funeral home to make arrangements.  I would never have thought to know the cost of a cremation (a free service for all children 3 and under-how horrible a thought is that?).  Would never thought to have to choose an urn for my little one.

You Are Gone

I remember a time, not long ago
I found out a secret; you were starting to grow!
I had not expected to meet you this quick
How lucky I was! God made me your pick

You started to grow, and before I could see
You were perfect in form, deep inside of me
Your little heart beating, your fist in a ball
I see you in there! I see it all!
Oh such a joy, to carry my boy
My favorite new gift, better than any toy
You will be special, of this I am sure
I sense you are precious, I know you are pure

You're getting so big, it must soon be time
Everyone is anxious, but I don't mind
Its just you and me, It's just us for now
This time is precious, I sense it somehow
There's showers and presents and wishes of joy
There's so much excitement; my new baby boy!
Brown hair? Blue eyes? Oh what will it be?
We cannot imagine, we'll just have to wait and see
It's getting crowded, less and less space
My heart skips a beat as I picture your sweet face
Our time is coming to an end, you will leave me soon
I will miss having you near, your home in my womb

You are so quiet today, so silent and still
You must just be tired, you've had your fill
I sit and I listen, as patient as can be
Oh won't you wake up, and come play with me?
I drive in the rain, it's late in the night
I just want to check, to make sure you're alright
I know you'll be fine, you just have to be
Surely God knows that I need you here with me

She looks and she looks, but can't find a sound
Where is your heart beat? Why won't it pound?
"I'm so very sorry...is there anyone I can call?"
I can't hear a sound, not anything at all

They tell me you're gone, your beating heart still
I can't feel my body, I suddenly feel ill.
There must be some mistake; your due any day!
But before that day came, your little soul slipped away

The moment I saw you, my heart fell in two
I recognized those lips, those eyes- you
Ten little fingers and ten perfect toes
Why were you taken? Nobody knows

I hold you for hours, I kiss your sweet face
The pain is unbearable, its all I can taste
I look at your body, I pretend you're asleep
I want you forever, I want you to keep.
I inhale your fragrance, so pure and so sweet
I memorize your body, from head to your feet
I dont want to let go, I cant say goodbye
But you are not here, no matter how hard I try

I love you forever, I love you to no end
I love you for always, my sweet little friend
You'll live on for me, for the rest of my years
I'll hold you in my heart, I'll hold you in my tears.

You came to me for a reason, for a purpose of great worth
You're life was meant for more than just another poor stillbirth
You will not be forgotten, I'll keep you in my soul
And one fine day I'll see you again, and my heart once more will be whole

-Author Unknown

If Tears Could Build a Stairway

If tears could build a stairway
and memories a lane
I'd walk right up to heaven
and bring you home again


No Farewell words were spoken
No time to say good-bye
You were gone before we knew it
And only God knows why.


Our hearts still ache with sadness
And secret tears still flow
What it meant to lose you
No one can ever know.


But now I know you want us
To mourn for you no more
To remember all the happy times
Life still has much in store.


Since you'll never be forgotten
We pledge to you today
A hallowed place within our hearts
Is where you'll always stay.

-Unknown

A Million Tears

A Lifetime Wish If I could have a lifetime wish A dream that would come true. I'd pray to God with all my heart for yesterday and you. A thousand words can't bring you back. I know because I've tried. And neither will a million tears I know because I've cried. You left behind my broken heart. and happy memories too. I never wanted memories, I only wanted you. -Unknown

A Visitor From Heaven

A visitor from Heaven

If only for a while

A gift of love to be returned

We think of you and smile

A visitor from Heaven

Accompanied by grace

Reminding of a better love

And of a better place

With aching hearts and empty arms

We send you with a name

It hurts so much to let you go

But we're so glad you came

We're so glad you came

A visitor from Heaven

If only for a day

We thank Him for the time He gave

And now it's time to say

We trust you to the Father's love

And to His tender care

Held in the everlasting arms

And we're so glad you're there

We're so glad you're there

With breaking hearts and open hands

We send you with a name

It hurts so much to let you go

But we're so glad you came

We're so glad you came

-Twila Paris

Purple Box of Memories

As I was wheeled from the hospital, clutching our purple box of memories,  I felt unending sadness.  I wished with all my heart that it was our precious little boy I was holding, tenderly in my arms.

Still

-Gerrit Hofsink

I’ve been waiting for you

For such a long time

You’re always on my mind

And I’m lying awake

Most of the night

Waiting to hold you tight

Now that I do

And look at you

My heart is breaking

This can’t be true

Chorus:

Lost you before I found you

Gone before you came

But I love you just the same

Missed you before I met you

On earth we never can

But in heaven we’ll meet again

Close to my soul

Close to my heart

Right from the start

Lost in time

Lost in space

Can’t wait to see your face

Now that I do

And look at you

My heart is breaking

I know it’s true

Chorus:

Lost you . . .

Sometimes I find myself wondering what to do

With this pain that I’m going through

But I know one day, God will take me away

And I’m coming home to you

And when I do

And look at you

My heart is healing

I know it’s true

Lost you before I found you

Gone before you came

But I love you just the same

Missed you before I met you

On earth we never can

But in heaven we’ll meet again

Love at First Sight

31 weeks...

After I was cleaned up, I said that we were ready.  He was brought in and I was amazed at how perfect he was.  I kissed his cold little nose, and smelled his sweet scent.  He had the cutest little red lips, 10 fingers, 10 toes.  I couldn't believe how big he was.  I was expecting that he would be much smaller.   

I held him and cried.  My husband patted him like he would pat our other sons when they were little.   He looked like a peacefully sleeping baby. 

I wanted to keep cuddling his little body to mine, forever.

We took some pictures and  videos, and my mom asked if he could be blessed.  My mom, mother in law, my husband, and myself spent a few hours with him.  My husband didn't want our sons to see their brother that way so they stayed with my brother at home.  I somewhat regret that they didn't get to meet their brother, especially since afterward, they mentioned they wished they could have met him.  It wasn't long enough, the time we had with him, but we said our goodbyes as his body was starting to change, even after placing him in the warm bassinet, and I wanted to remember him the way he was.

Later that afternoon, as hubby and I were sitting quietly, I suddenly felt a firm caress on my hip.  I looked over at my husband and noticed that he was sitting somewhat far from me.  I asked if he had touched me and he said no.  We later found that it was the time that the mortuary had picked him up from the nursery.  It makes me feel nice to think that he was giving me a reassuring caress.

I was initially horrified at the realization that I would have to deliver him.  I thought, why not have a c-section, and knock me out so that I don't have to go through the trauma of seeing our baby this way.  I am now so thankful that I have the memory of his precious little face, the weight of his body, and the sweetness of his skin as I kissed him.  April 20, 2011, is a day that I will remember for the rest of my life.

Labor of Love

We came into the hospital and they had prepared a room for me, far from the noises of the moms in labor, and the babies crying.  I really appreciated the hospital's sensitivity.  They even had a little leaf magnet at the door signaling that this would not be a joyous occasion.  We looked at the little bassinet, sadly and wondered why the warmer was on.  They gave me "cytotek"  to induce labor and they said I can have any and all drugs that I wanted, including an epidural when I needed it.  The cytotek was placed in my cervix at 6PM, and by midnight my uterus was contracting with no breaks!  It was very painful so I asked for some pain relief.  They gave me "dilaudil" which is a really strong narcotic.  I told them to give me only half the lowest dose as I am always sensitive to drugs, but I don't think they believed me and gave me the lowest dose.  I ended up shivering and having major anxiety, after which, I said no more of that for me.  They had checked my cervix and I was only a 2 by then.  I told them at 3AM, that I think I'm going to need an epidural soon, as the pain was becoming pretty intense.  They checked my cervix again, and I was about a 3 or 4.  They said to let them know as soon as I wanted it.  I didn't want to get it too early since I was afraid it would stop labor so, I gritted my teeth and waited awhile longer.  

At about 3:45AM, I couldn't stand it and asked that they call in the anesthesiologist as I was huffing and puffing and banging my tray table to distract myself.  Unfortunately, labor progressed extremely quickly from that point on.  I started more "hu hu shewwing" around 4AM and soon after, I felt the need to go!  It is so startling that the baby descending the birth canal feels like your having a BM!  I started screaming, as I huffed and puffed, that "he was coming out!"  The nurses were startled as they were just preparing for his birth and weren't quite ready.  My husband and I were horrified to see a big gush fly across the room and I was so horrified to think, "Is that the baby!?"  Thankfully, it was just amniotic fluid, my sac had just broken at that point.  Then the baby came out the next few seconds in a rush and plopped on the bed.  My husband broke down completely and kept telling me he's here and not to look and gave me a crushing embrace.  I wanted to look so badly but, I didn't have the strength to break his embrace.  Afterwards, I became afraid to look at him and the anesthesiologist (too late) and ob/gyn came in shortly after.  My placenta would not come out, and that was the most painful part of the whole labor process.  The nurses came and took him to give him a bath and take measurements while the ob/gyn worked on trying to get my placenta out so I wouldn't hemorrhage.  My husband collapsed on the sofa with his face covered. They were prepping me for surgery when the placenta was expelled.  It felt like forever.

One More Day

-Diamond Rio

Last night I had a crazy dream

A wish was granted just for me

It could be for anything

I didn't ask for money

Or a mansion in Malibu

I simply wished, for one more day with you

One more day

One more time

One more sunset, maybe I'd be satisfied

But then again

I know what it would do

Leave me wishing still, for one more day with you

First thing I'd do, is pray for time to crawl

Then I'd unplug the telephone

And keep the TV off

I'd hold you every second

Say a million I love you's

That's what I'd do, with one more day with you

One more day

One more time

One more sunset, maybe I'd be satisfied

But then again

I know what it would do

Leave me wishing still, for one more day with you

White Coats

We arrived at the hospital and hubby and sons went to the cafeteria while I headed straight to L&D.  A nurse sat me down one of the exam tables and took out a doppler.  At this point, I was hoping against hope that they would find his heartbeat.  As the minutes past without a sound,  I started silently crying, trying desperately not to fall apart, and she was very warm and affectionate when she said she would call in for an ultrasound.  I called my husband and said they couldn't find his heartbeat and I could just hear the devastation in his voice.  My husband and my sons came into my room crying.  The ultrasound machine came on and we saw for ourselves.  He was perfect, yet so still.  The doctor came in to make the diagnosis then, they all left us to grieve.  My husband was crying and throwing up as he called our family, my sons were bawling, and I felt like my heart was breaking.

Smallest Wingless

-Craig Cardiff

Close the curtains,
held each other, cried.
Said 'hello' at the same time
we said 'goodbye'


Smallest wingless, oh, you came to us
leaving as soon as you arrived
sadness is just love wasted
no heart to place it aside


We close the curtains
held each other, cried.
Said 'hello' at the same time
as we said goodbye.


We close the curtains
held on to one another
cried

They gave us a choice to be induced immediately or to come back at a later time.  I decided I was in no position to go into labor at that point so we told them we would be returning the next day.  Some friends and family were with us and I walked around our home in shock.  I felt like a robot as we ate lunch.  I was filled with such disbelief and immeasureable sadness.  I took some belly shots (taken by my son as my husband was in no position to do it at this point) and packed my bag.  I lay down in bed and caressed him through my belly and told him how much I loved him.

A Horrible Feeling

The next morning, April 18, 2010, I woke up early to a very uneasy feeling.  I lay still and waited for Justin to move.  After a few minutes, I decided to eat some frosted flakes with milk and bananas after which I lay down to wait for him to move.  I fell briefly asleep and woke up in a panic.  Calling the doctor as my heart was racing, I struggled to remain calm as a feeling of dread overcame me.  They told me to go in to get checked and we raced to the hospital. 

A Little Nudge

It was a beautiful Saturday in April, the sun was shining and everything was right with our world.  After dropping off our sons at grandmas house to play, we picked up Justin's crib at Babies R Us.  It was the Graco Lauren Espresso crib.  After browsing through the baby store, hubby and I had a nice little lunch at Khoury's Mediterranean Grill.  I realized that I had only felt the baby a few times that morning, which wasn't really that much of a concern to me as we were running errands and he was never a big mover and shaker.  When we got home, I lay down in bed and after a few minutes of waiting, hubby came around and placed his head gently on my belly, spoke to him, and Justin gave him a little nudge.  So sweet and precious.